Saved By The Ditch

There are things we can't change and things we don't want to change. Things we could have changed and things we dare not change due to the satisfaction we derive from them. Like spending my Sunday morning at home, sweating profusely on a supposed chorister from one of the new generation churches on the eve of christmas, whao! That was fun and it's one of those things you don't get a chance to do often. As clock alarm beeped and she jumped off the bed and off to the reading table to check the time. 

I knew already it was past 2pm, i deliberately set the alarm clock to 2pm when she insisted that i should set it to 1pm.She was apparently angry, and she grabbed her make-up bag and went to the convenience room. I was peeping through the torn part of the duvet and i couldn't keep my eyes off her naked body as she made for the convenience room.She was such a beautiful lady and i would love to see her body grace my bed every Sunday if she would find pleasure in staying away from church, moreover she would be on the pulpit the next Sunday with the choir. She came back into the room almost immediately and hit me to wake up, i stretched, pretending i was just waking up after a short nap. She couldn't even ask about what happened to the alarm clock, she just said she had to leave and didn't look back afterward, i just heard several doors banging, the last of which was the entrance door, she was gone.

I rolled off the bed and brought out a roll of weed that i kept in my shoe, but i couldn't get any paper to smoke it, I reached for my bible and tore out the first page and rolled my weed in it, my eyes stumbled on Exodus 1, "oh my Gosh!" i'm done with the whole of Genesis, that's quite an unremarkable achievement, one of my bed-friends, Latifah, presented me the bible on my birthday just a month back and knowing  she wouldn't be happy to see the bible half-torn, i just tore out a couple of pages and went to the backyard to burn the rest, smoking my weed while i watched it burn to ashes. After i saw the last page of Revelation folding into the hot hands of fire i puffed my last weed, threw it on the burning bible and marched the fire to extinguish it and i took my leave.

I went back to bed to have a good sleep, preparing for the night to come. The whole room seemed so filled and noisy like the Oshodi, the most populated part of Lagos and  when i jumped on the bed it was like throwing myself down the third mainland bridge, i was talking to everyone on the street, yet no one heard me nor gave me any attention ,so i just perched at a corner and tried to doze off, i just loved the feelings i got after 'weedin' like the whole world was at my feet. I woke up very late, realising the corner i perched was on the floor almost half way underneath the bed. Latifah actually woke me up by banging heavily on the door, i jumped up and ran into the kitchen to gargle my mouth with dry gin, she never liked me smoking weed so i held the bottle of dry gin and went to open the door she was saying a lot of things at the same time but her Yoruba sounded like Burmese this time around so i didn't bother asking what she was saying, i just went straight into the room and dropped like a dead man on the rug.We talked afterward and spent some time exchanging the messy sweat on our naked body, we didn't do anything different. Our sex life was so stereotyped that i could predict how everything would turn out the moment she said she would be coming over to my place. We never made out anywhere else apart from the bed and we never changed position apart from the orthodox mummy and daddy, she was just an homegrown local, call her RAZZ.

That night i went to work and got home pretty late, it was around 1:22am and i had been beaten to stupor when i was caught in the act, i was only saved by the slightest opportunity when i fell into a ditch and the person holding me lost the grab. I had petrol smelling all over my body, someone was ready to roast me out. My lips were broken and my ribs were hurting, many parts of my body was oozing out blood and i spent a handful of time cleaning up. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a small bottle of dry gin and it hurt my mouth as it went down my throat. I sat on the kitchen floor and smoked a couple of cigarette while the dry gin travelled down my throat, i marched on the last cigarette and reached for my pocket but i could only feel my bare skin through the torn pocket, no money left in it, even the one i had gotten before i was caught had been stolen, so i chuckled..."thief rob thief" i said to myself in pidgin, laughing quietly as i made for my room,i couldn't find sleep nor comfort on my bed so i went back to the past, through memory lane.

Many times in my past I had perpetuated many crimes and atrocities but i never saw myself choking from them, i loved life more than myself but i never thought i would live to see another day, everyday. I said to myself over and over again, I shall die, unless i repent but repentance was just a mere word of admittance ,i never gave it a real thought. I just enjoyed my life of atrocities and crimes, a life of weed, sex and gin. That night i turned to my bed side to reach for my bible and i couldn't get one apart from the couple of pages i tore out,i had torn out exactly what i needed, it was psalms 118:17 and says 'i shall not die but live and declare the works of the Lord' so i closed my eyes so tight and silently prayed to God for forgiveness, hoping for once i would embrace life over death. After the prayer, the thoughts of the previous night sneaked into my mind once again, i thought I was so lucky to have escaped death through the ditch after my ploy to rob a woman of her hand bag boomeranged and again i reached for my torn pocket and felt nothing but my bare skin and thought out loud "Thief rob thief" i laughed mildly as my stomach hurt badly... I embraced my bible and went under the duvet. Perhaps i would visit the church next Sunday and say Hi to God, so on Judgement day God won't ask me "Who are you?" .